That Drive

When Tyler checked in, he was gacked out of his skull. He’d been up for 4 days straight shooting meth into his abscess infected arms. He thought his girlfriend’s mother had placed evil spirits in his veins and was asking me to bring him to the ER. I calmed him down enough to take his blood pressure but when the device read “error” because of a low battery, Tyler took this as confirmation of the evil spirits. 

He checked in with only what he had in his pockets which was a phone, three sets of car keys, and 2000 dollars in cash. 

After plenty of medication, food and 36 hours of sleep, Tyler was feeling better. He was a smart, funny, charismatic 28 year old who had been selling and shooting drugs for 5 years. He had a normal childhood, a sister and mother who were worried sick and a pretty girlfriend who was at the end of her rope but was hanging on because she loved him. 

On his 6th day, as evening was approaching, I found him hanging around the front door with that look in his eye. It’s a look I’ve seen in thousands of patients in my 8 years managing a drug and alcohol rehab. It’s a look I had myself for 10 years as a heroin addict. It’s a look that says I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t live in my head for five more minutes. I’m bored. I’m restless. I’m irritable. I’m incapable of living a normal life. I don’t know how people do it. Everything is wrong. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m in the wrong skin. Nothing excites me. I have to get out. Get out of my head. Get out of my skin. Get out of this place. And find the one thing I love in this world. That makes all the rest of it go away…

Rehab is all about retention. Retain the client. Retain him so we all get paid. Retain him because Administration will praise you. Retain him and you will get promoted. Retain him and you will make more money. Retain him for his own good. Retain him because if he stays he has a chance. Retain him because if he leaves he might die. Retain him. Save his life. 

So I spoke to him. For about twenty minutes. Throughout the conversation he kept putting his hand on the knob of the front door and would debate turning it as he half listened to what I was saying. I told him this is how you get the life you want. This is how you beat drug addiction. You don’t turn that knob. There’s no secret, no key, no medication, no answer. You sit through this torturous feeling and you don’t turn that knob. Even when everything inside of you is screaming “TURN IT!” Instead, you talk to me, you chain smoke, you walk around in circles. You jerk off. And you don’t turn that knob. And tomorrow it will be a fraction easier. And tomorrows will turn into weeks and weeks to months and months to years and you will get a life beyond your wildest dreams. And all you have to do, tonight, is not turn that knob. 

He turned it. 

As he walked out the front door he said, “sorry”.  He left without his car keys, his phone, or his 2000 dollars. Just that drive to use one more time. It’s all he needed. 

8 months later he was back. He was facing 8 years in prison for drug trafficking charges. He had OD’d, gone into a coma, and was given a medication he was allergic to for days. The result was a stroke that left him nearly blind, while the left side of his body no longer functioned as it should. His left arm was rail thin and held close to his body in a curved, crippled position. He was wearing a bandanna around his eyes because the light would give him headaches. 

“Do you remember me?” He said. 

“Of course I do” I told him. 

“I should’ve stayed” he said. “Look at me now, man, I’m retarded.”

I told him I was happy to see him. I was glad he was alive, that I thought about him while he was gone, that he was going to be okay, and if he needed ANYTHING to make his stay more comfortable, just ask me. I hugged him and he cried. 

Two days later, Tyler jumped out of his bedroom window at night to go shoot more drugs. That drive to use was just too much. The threat of prison couldn’t stop him. Being crippled couldn’t stop him. Blindness couldn’t stop him. 

And these people think there’s something I can say, some words I can use to combat that drive????

Sorry. No such words exist.