Trauma

I found out a couple of days ago that Toni died. She was 34 years old.
I wanted to repost this in her memory.
I wish the whole world knew her.
I wish she was still alive.
The official cause of death reads: “Accidental alcohol poisoning”
I disagree.

TRAUMA

Toni has currently been here in rehab for three weeks. She is 32 years old and has been drinking straight whiskey, daily, for seven years. She is anemic, has stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver, and pancreatitis. Doctors tell her if she stops drinking she’s already shortened her life span considerably. If she continues drinking, she’ll be dead within a year.

She’s losing her hair. She weighs 95 pounds. She showed me a picture of herself from 5 years ago. She was beautiful. She isn’t anymore.

Her mother was a prostitute and no one knows who her father is. She thinks he was probably white because she’s of mixed race.

Her aunt raised her until age 3 but died in a car accident. She spent the next four years with her uncle and his teenage daughter.

At age 7 she was taken in by her half sister who is twenty years her senior. She loves her sister and still talks to her.

She lives with her boyfriend who she’s been with for seven years. She says he can be cruel sometimes.

She makes it a point to come into my office at least once a night. We talk about everything. Big and small. She talks softly. Doesn’t get a lot of jokes. Asks me questions about my life. There’s a childlike quality to her.

Tonight she told me she was gay until she found God and now believes being gay is wrong and not what God intended.

I ask her, do you still desire women physically

No

Do you desire your boyfriend

I can do it when I’m drunk

Is that why you drink

No

What about when you’re not drunk

It’s awkward and reminds me of my trauma

What trauma

I was raped over and over by my uncle and my 16 year old female cousin

How old were you

From age three to seven

I’m so sorry

It’s no biggie

It’s the biggest biggie I’ve ever heard

My uncle is horrible but I think my cousin was just trying to figure out if she was gay or not

Toni

What

You don’t figure out if you’re gay or not with a three year old

I guess not but I forgave them when I found God and that has nothing to do with my habits

Your habits

Yeah, ya know, drinking

Biting your fingernails is a habit, you’re committing suicide

I know

Do you think you’re committing suicide because of what happened to you

No

Could it be part of it

I don’t know, maybe

Do you want therapy

Yes

We’ll set you up with one for when you go home next week

But I haven’t told anybody here what I just told you

It’s okay, we can set you up with a trauma therapist at home, no one here has to know why

Okay, thank you

………

She rose out of her chair and hugged me. It was like hugging nothing.

I love you she said
I love you too

She walked out of the office. I felt nauseous and wanted to cry.

Toni needs therapy and love and kindness and care and doctors and medicine and AA and a sponsor and friendship and luck.

And if she gets all of that, I still don’t hold out much hope.

Her life was mutilated…
“from age three to seven”